Why "Wedding Triggered"?

I was not a girl who grew up picturing my wedding. My Barbies had lesbian tendencies because for some reason we never had Kens, and I was much more into climbing trees and riding my bike than engaging in princess fantasies. But I have always wanted true love. And I have worked at it for many years. Over the years a pattern emerged, I dated a guy for 1.5 to 2 years, and we would fight a lot. He usually wanted more love than I was offering, we'd break up and shortly after that he was married. Some of those marriages are already over, but I started to think of myself as a training zone for men, meanwhile my true love evaded me.

After a particularly devastating break-up where I had let my mind wander into the zone of weddings and marriages, I started to take a serious look at myself. Maybe these guys, flawed as they were, were not the problem. I was the only common denominator and I was not good  at intimate partnership, try as I did. I had fantasies, but they weren't about domestic things. They were more along the lines of "I want to find a guy who can read my mind." Well, it wasn't that blunt, but after a while I realized my behavior indicated this was what i wanted and I needed to get more realistic. I tried to stay single for one year, and dated a lot, all the while trying to be honest with myself. The most recent ex had been my high school sweetheart, reunited, and I guess after a while I realized that the main reason I wanted to marry him is I wanted to know how the story would end up. I wanted to stop trying, and just live and build a fence or something. I hadn't fantasized about a wedding, or making home, but I didn't really have a replacement version either. I didn't want to be told what to do, or wear or how to be... I guess I was (am) a feminist. But I was fighting with myself more or less.

Finally I started to have some breakthroughs and stuff I never even thought of came my way. Good stuff. Unfortunately now that I am getting married, I am being superiorly annoyed by most of the content out there aimed at brides. It's excessive, sentimental, silly and preys on our insecurities that we are going to be judged. I've more or less decided to invent my wedding from scratch. Most any original idea that pops into my head, someone else has done it and I can do focused searches on how they pulled it off, but I am not looking for ideas first and narrowing it down. I created this blog to keep track of my ideas and track my process. I have not really decided whether to share it with guests, but strangers would be great. I want there to be some surprises at the actual wedding. Let the countdown begin!